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Issues to Comprehend

September 2019,

    Looking back, I seemed to be a different person back then. After a whole episode of heart got broken, hectic schedules including the preparation to participate in a conference and stuffs on my research work, I seemed to be more determine to face everything head on. I had plans; I made those plans so that I can achieve my goals exactly when I want it (with the consideration if anything happens of course). However, little did I know, what the future holds.

September 2020,

    A year later, I crumbled. I broke down. I melted. At first, I thought that it will be a temporary phase. But no, it was not. It was, in short, a whole roller coaster ride of emotions. There are days, that I am happy, I am good, I am okay, I got this. There are also days that I felt the need to detach myself from my surroundings. Alone amidst the crowd. The constant fight of rebellion in me and the logic in me. The struggle to think straight. The fight between the child in me and the who I am right now. It's endless. It's tiring. I'm exhausted. Despite all of this inner fights and thoughts, my outer appearance showed nothing of sort. It portrayed the strong me. The "I can handle this mess" me. However, in truth, I was crying for help. I was not okay and still am not okay. 

October 2020,

    Shit just got way fucked up to be honest and to put it simply. Crying and tears are my current confidante at the moment. What is good for me is that I have the awareness of reaching out to the people that are close to me, which is a good sign because reaching out takes some strength. You gotta mustered up a lot of courage to open up and be vulnerable to people. Previously, I am not the kind to talk to people about what I feel and what I think about bcs of I have this thought that I might be a nuisance to them. In contrary to that now, I talk to people about what is going on in my head, why am I sad and stuffs. But, I still have the same thought that I have back then, only now, I have the awareness to reach out. In a way or the other, it's complicated. I am still figuring out what is wrong with me as day goes by. One thing for sure is I have to take a break. It has become a compulsory choice right now. I might be not feeling it but I do notice that my mind and body are deteriorating. They're definitely not in the best shape as of now. However, I am reaching out for help. Slowly but surely, I will be okay. When they say let time heals, I guess this is it. 

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